The Unknown Blogger & Punxsutawney Phil

February 2, 2018

Well today is February 2nd and you know what that means… Valentine’s Day, the holiday we all love to hate, is only 12 days away? No, silly. Today is Groundhog Day!  Hooray! This is the day Pennsylvanians would rather get their weather forecast from a prognosticating rodent rather than a semi-sober weatherman.

Today in Pennsylvania during the annual Groundhog Day ceremony, Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his tiny one bedroom tree stump, saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter. Phil went on to predict that this year’s extended winter would also mean East coasters and Midwesterners would experience the worst Polar Vortex in history and would “probably freeze to death” in their “fancy, non-tree stump houses!” Say what? Punxsutawney Phil can speak?

It’s not clear whether the inebriated crowd in attendance to this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony were in shock that their beloved rodent, having been silent all these years, could actually speak or because Phil said they were all going to die. “Tell us more!” yelled Punxsutawney Mayor Richard Alexander, to which Phil replied, “Your wife is sleeping with the mailman and will ask for a divorce in two weeks!” Punxsutawney mailman, Mitch Farley then yelled, “Damn you Phil!”

The crowd was already getting a little restless but when Punxsutawney Phil went on to predict that “New England will beat the pants off your underdog Eagles in the Big Game this Sunday,” a riot ensued, with the crowd hurling rocks, donuts and beer bottles at little Punxsutawney Phil. Oh my. Now’s probably a good time to cut to commercial.

Well, that’s all for now. Reporting live from Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania, this is the Unknown Blogger. Stay warm out there, campers!